Let me start with the obvious. If you work really hard one night to get your house clean- I mean you scrub it from top to bottom; you sweep, you mop, you dust, you scour, you wipe, you vacuum- then you have about 4 and a half minutes until you need to do it again. What the what? How could this be? I have decided that the only solution is to leave my kids and husband in the car until bedtime, usher them in one by one, clean them off at the door and carry them to their bed, and then carry them out to the car in the morning. This is the only way. If by chance one of them gets hungry they will need to take their meal on the balcony. It’s going to have to be this way. How annoying is it that they are all conspiring against me at all times? “I know, I will leave all of my shoes at the bottom of the staircase.” “I know, I will ask for a cracker, then I will smush it in my hands into 4 billion pieces, and then I will scatter those crumbs across the floor like Hansel and Gretel.” “I know! I will get a glue stick, scissors, paper, stickers, clay, pipe cleaners, sharpies, crayons, colored pencils and pastels; then I will stir them up in a pot, and then I will scatter them across the kitchen counter.” “I know! Together we can bring downstairs lots of sweatshirts, socks, and stuffed animals, then we can tuck them behind the cushions and on the floor under the couch.” The fact that my house cannot stay clean, no matter how hard I try, is my absolute biggest pet peeve. Contrary to popular belief around here, sweeping is not my hobby of choice.
#2. My children want to eat 3 meals and 76 snacks a day. Every. single. day. There is never a day when they will kindly decline a plate of food. Haven’t they heard of fasting? That means I have to think about and prepare those meals. Or I have to purchase those meals and feel immense guilt that they are eating out 2-3 times a week. Why are they always hungry? Why isn’t a bowl of cereal for lunch and dinner enough? Why is it so hard to think of a recipe? If you have read me before you will know that there is nothing I love more than a list, EXCEPT for when it is a list for meal-planning. My husband cooks meals at times, which is my only saving grace. As for snacks, of course they each come in packaging that can be strewn about my house, to be picked up by me at a later date (see pet peeve #1), or so that I can nag them to pick up after themselves (see pet peeve #3).
#3 I am a teacher. So obviously when I am giving a set of directions there is no need for my students to listen. That way as soon as they are supposed to start working independently they can look blankly into space with confusion, and then I can answer the same question 8-9 times. I especially love it if the answer to the question has already been stated and is written in all capitals on the board. This is the best. I also love when they come to tattle or report that they are feeling a small pain. “Mrs. Weston, Benjamin is playing with an eraser.” “Mrs. Weston, my right earlobe is hurting.” “Mrs. Weston, you said to line up at the door and Ricardo didn’t walk, he ran.” “Mrs. Weston, I sneezed twice on Saturday.” I am legitimately not sure what I am supposed to do with that information. I feel such value that they seek to share these important moments in life with me. Along the same vein, I adore repeating myself to my own children. I love giving the same direction every day for 10 years because you might not remember it otherwise.
#4 Los Angeles traffic. Just why? Why are we all going to the same place all of the time? Why is there traffic on Saturdays at 4pm? Why is every single person on the freeway so much more important than me that they couldn’t possibly let me merge if their life depended on it? Why do we slow to 5mph when there is a branch on the opposite side of the freeway? It’s madness. And it’s getting worse. My family lives in Central California, and what should take 2-3 hours will soon take weeks to drive. This couldn’t be any more irritating if it tried. Bonus points for traffic if my kids are nut-rolling all at the same time, or if one of them has explosive diarrhea in stand-still traffic in an area that I am unfamiliar and uncomfortable with. (This has happened, and it was as fun as it sounds.)
#5 The smell of dog urine. The courtyard of my complex is riddled with dog urine; and the stench is suffocating in the summer. You know I have complained about it one too many times when my two year old came downstairs and said, “Man, it smells like hot piss.” I believe the neighborhood, like my children, are conspiring against me. They all bring their dog right out front to soak the ground. It makes me feel dirty just to walk to the garage.
#6 Mosquitos. I mean, what is their actual purpose? I know God is a perfect God of love; but it seems like he didn’t think this one through. Mosquito bites feel so… trashy. I hate them. There is no other word.
#7 Whining. According to my mom and sister I may deserve this, but it is hard to believe that I could have ever been a whiner with how much it grates on my soul. I just don’t know why you have to ask for a banana in that exact tone Jaxon, or why you have to melt completely if I ask you to wear your glitter clogs when you want to wear your velvet boots, Shia, but I assure you it is not that serious. Along with this, I really love when you ask me a question and I answer, but it is not the answer you want, so you ask me again and again, taking it up an octave each time. I can see how this is rewarding for you, as I never give in and usually snap and yell at you and then you are crying. It’s a win-win. Sometimes I cry too because I can’t believe I yelled at you again! (Then I am my own pet peeve.)
#8 Pimples. I am of age now. This should no longer be a concern of mine.
#9 Being told I’m tall. Duh. I know. I’m me. Has anyone, of the 13 million people who have mentioned this to me in my life, expected this news to come as a surprise? Like I was walking around feeling all of 4’11” when I am actually pert-near 6 feet. On the flip side of this, I have a treasured friend who is about the same height as me. When we enter a location together people actually rise up on their tiptoes as we walk past. Usually it is men who do this. This does not annoy me; it’s so predictable that it cracks us up now. We are often asked too if we are foreign. Just a couple of Swedish basket-ball players who didn’t know we were tall until you told us.
#10 Passive-agressive Facebook posts. You know the type. Let’s see who really reads my posts… Let’s see if I have any real friends… Chain-mail style posts fall into this category too. God won’t heal or condemn based upon my likes and shares. You can’t tell me I am a terrible person if I don’t forward the post, and then expect me to forward the post. And not changing my profile picture is not equivalent to committing a crime.
I have several other pet peeves: loud throat-clearing, loud-chewers, loud-breathers, mean girls, apathy, the existence of snakes, etc, but I didn’t want the list to go on too long. Is there anything that you think should have made the list? Comment below and let me know your biggest pet peeves, unless I am one of your pet peeves; then duh, keep it to yourself.